How to Help an Alcoholic Parent?

Alcohol use disorders, also known as alcoholism, affect around 17 million Americans, wreaking havoc on all aspects of their personal, professional, and social life. Sadly, alcoholism impacts not just the alcoholic but also those closest to them, especially children.

Alcoholism can result in the emotional, physical, and financial abuse and neglect of children of all ages, particularly those who still live with their alcoholic parents. Alcoholism can also make a parent behave in an embarrassing or even humiliating way to both themselves and their children. Even if it does not result in severe harm or distress, it often causes children to feel unloved, unimportant, and less confident.

Children of alcoholic parents are most often forced to take on the role of an adult in the family, causing them to grow up much faster than they should. This leads children to grow up angry, bitter, and resentful with their parents and life in general.

These children often feel guilty and blame themselves for not doing more for their parents. This is especially true for children who are constantly blamed by their parents for their state and fate of life. Although a child is never to blame for the actions and choices of alcoholic parents, this overwhelming burden is carried through by children for the rest of their lives.

Some children have had to deal with their parents’ alcoholism since they were born, while others deal with later on in life. Nevertheless, this pattern is getting increasingly common as alcoholism has turned into a growing epidemic amongst seniors.

Alcohol abuse affects everyone differently. Certain alcoholics display many signs of alcoholism, while others display only a few (this is particularly true for high-functioning alcoholics). However, the below-mentioned signs are quite common to most alcoholics.

• Blackouts and memory loss
• Irritability and mood swings
• Frequent hangovers
• Changes in appearance, behavior, and social circle
• Making excuses for drinking and inappropriate behavior
• Prioritizing drinking over other obligations
• Staying isolated from friends and family
• Finding difficulties at work or with finances
• Drinking alone or secretly

It is quite difficult to force change or help them see the errors of their way in someone who abuses alcohol. If you are worried that your parent has a drinking problem, you might be terrified of speaking to them about it. You might fear that they will get angry, violent, make a scene in front of others, embarrass you, move out, or use alcohol more secretly. Although these instances are a possibility, it is still worth trying.

Below is a list of guidelines that may help you improve the outcome of addressing the issue. Unless violence is a concern, the risks of having such a conversation far outweigh its potential benefits. However, if your parent is prone to violence, it is always best to have someone with you while having the conversation.

• Remember that the objective of the conversation is not to make your parents feel judged but to help them understand your concerns.
• Initiate the conversation only when your parent is sober.
• Do not initiate the conversation when you are under the influence.
• Unless violence is an issue, try to establish a time to have the conversation on a one-on-one basis with just the two of you.
• Begin the conversation by making it clear that you are doing it only because you care about them.
• Emphasize throughout the conversation that you are only having this conversation because you are concerned about their wellbeing.
• Always talk from your perspective and not in general, ”I have noticed that your behavior is different. I am worried about how much you are drinking. I think you are putting yourself in danger.”
• Point out the behaviors and incidents that you have observed and why/how they concern you.
• If you feel like it may benefit the conversation, talk about how their behaviors have impacted or hurt you
• Ensure that the conversation is two-way so that they do not feel cornered. An excellent way to achieve this is to ask open-ended questions.
• Stick to the main point. Don’t get distracted with speculation, judgment, or an explanation for why.
• If the parent still denies having a problem, try to get them to agree to have another conversation in the future.

Unfortunately, there is not much to do if your parent refuses help. If you are underage and your alcoholic parent is physically abusing or neglecting you, then you can report to a family member, school, or the relevant authorities. You can also seek the help of friends, extended family, professional interventionists, medical professionals, clergy, or other professionals to convince your parent to pursue treatment.

However, just because your parent refuses help does not mean that you cannot take measures to improve your own emotional and physical wellbeing. There are many support groups and resources out there that are dedicated to helping children and other family members of alcoholics by offering emotional support, college scholarships, counseling, and guidance to help them get through this ordeal and succeed in life.